nigella in beans

Competition Results

2008-07-31T07:03:00.000-07:00

This week's Nigella In Beans children's painting competition has seen Britain's next generation of pornographers step up to the plate and really outdo themselves. Surprisingly, more girls than boys like to imagine Nigella sumped up to the fump in all beans - and why not? Unfortunately we're all equal now, and if the girls want to muck in on what was once all-male territory, I'm not legally allowed to stop 'em.

'Nigella And Beans' by Molly, age 4

Molly's mum says she enjoys playing with her brother Harry's turds, eating spiders and imagining Nigella pouring beans over her tits from a can. In this picture, we see a naked Nigella doing just that, and I don't know about you, but it makes us here at Nigella In Beans want to rocket spumpum all over the walls.

'Nigella With Crocodile Pushed Up Her Bottom' by Stephen, age 5

We're not sure what Stephen's driving at with this abstract piece. Whilst there's plenty of objects we've thought about pushing up Nigella's third cladge-pipe, a crocodile wasn't one of them. Still, 'orses for courses and all that. Give that boy a gold star.

'Nigella, Me And A Big Turd Wot I Just Done' by Melanie, age 4

Porn covers a broad spectrum, so we'll go along with the monstrous image of an enormous poo holding hands with a child and a naked chef. Sometimes you have to wonder what drugs they're feeding kids nowadays. Still, good stink lines and brown work on the turd, Melanie.

WINNER!

'Nigella And Father Christmas With Steve Ryder' by Charlotte, age 4

Charlotte's keeping the shenanigans on show in her exotic image down to a simple in 'n' out job by including the ghostly, floating head of sports reporter Steve Ryder. Hopefully, Steve'll stop Old Saint Nick from spilling his beans up Nigella's clunderment, causing everyone's favourite dirty chef to splat dirt up his legs, therefore ruining Christmas for everyone. Thanks for that, Charlotte.

Keep your entries coming in at the usual address. The judges' weekly favourite wins a bumper bag of sweets, a subscription to The Beano, and a ten-inch fanny hammer with detachable anal stimuliser.

Reader's Wives

2008-05-15T06:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Nigella In Beans

Last week I caught my wife in bed frotting her clount up against a can of my beans. I was so incensed, I made her lie across my legs with the can balanced on her backside for FIVE HOURS. When I decided she'd taken enough punishment, I pushed my fist up her clabber, and smeared the bean-juice I found inside all over her waiting maw. She loved it!

Harold T. Mazzurbator, Essex

Have YOU found your wife being unfaithful with your beloved beans? How did YOU punish her? Did you make her bathe her embankment in all sauce-batter? Or did you thrash her to within an inch of her life whilst dipping your spabbing-pole in and out of a can of Branston's? Send your erotic photographs to Nigella In Beans and we'll send you a multipack of ASDA beans, and a luxury PENETRATRIX fanny-hammer for the wife.

The 2008 Nigella In Beans Sex Survey

2008-05-15T05:58:00.000-07:00

Today, Nigella In Beans is launching the most definitive survey ever conducted on the internet into the deviant habits of its readers. If you would like to take part, please click the link below, and become part of perverted sexual history!

The 2008 NIgella In Beans Sex Survey

Specialist Advertising

2008-05-15T04:55:00.001-07:00

(Cleck to engorge)

Readers' Requests

2008-05-14T08:57:00.000-07:00

Dear Nigella In Beans

I'm a serving British soldier out in Afghanistan, and the one thing I miss from back home is fisting my wife. Is there any chance you can give us serving soldiers something to smile about by posting a picture of a cross-eyed bird getting down to some serious fisting action?

Lance-Corporal Alan Fudderbudder, 4 Para, Kabul

Only too happy to oblige, Alan ...

Racist Ron Condemns Cheap-Flight Con

2008-05-14T08:13:00.000-07:00

"Twenty two pence they said on the posters, the lying bastards!" roared racist ex-football manager, Ron Atkinson, when Nigella In Beans rang him up to see how he'd got on booking his flight to sex capital of the world, Amsterdam. "For a start, the airport's in northern fucking Russia! And the price wasn't twenty two pence - it was two hundred and thirty five pounds! That bastard Easyjet's a con! I was hoping to spend the money I thought I was going to save on hiring a whore to push a broomstick up my arse, instead I'm just going to have to look at canals! Who's running that fucking company? Some bloody jungle bunny, no doubt!"

And Ron, who was dismissed from his lucrative football commentator job when television bosses discovered he's an unpleasant racist from the 1970s, issued this warning to anyone planning to fly Easyjet this summer:

"If you want a whore to push stuff up your arse, like what I want, don't fly Easyjet. Their twenty two pence deals are a transparent con, and they should be ashamed of themselves. AND I DON'T LIKE THE BLACKS!"

Clout-Pout With Beans-Out Kraut Spout Slaps Blaps Up Sauce-Flaps - EXCLUSIVE!!!

2008-05-14T08:04:00.000-07:00

"Tonight I'm going to have a shower, empty my fudge-pump all over the floor, then get my German husband to lap up the fuddage with his German tongue. When he's had his fill, I'm going to pour bean-water into my bratwurst-tunnel, and let his enormous frankfurter slide right up to my kidney beans. Then he's going to ejaculate fumps," purred Helga when Nigella In Beans asked her if she had any plans for the evening.

Easyjet's Prices Incur Wrath Of Hump-Backed British Politician With Awful Teeth

2008-04-10T04:18:00.000-07:00

"It's disgusting that they can get away with it!" roared balloon-uddered former Home Secretary, Anne 'Widdicudders' Widdicombe, speaking to Nigella In Beans about Easyjet's outrageously fraudulent 22p to Amsterdam flight offer. "I wanted to take Flossie, my lesbian lover, over to Amsterdam for a weekend of rubbing our frot-pipes up against a whore's batter-vessel. The advert said it'd cost us 22p - that's 44p for the two of us - yet, when we got to the airport, we were charged a further £700 for taxes and other 'miscellaneous services'. That's not 44p, is it? AND we ended up in a commuter airport in the middle of the Ukrainian countryside ... Amsterdam my fucking arse!"

"We understand Miss Widdicombe's concerns," Lacey Nipples, Easyjet's spokeswoman told us, "But we stand by our disgraceful advertisement claims that her flight only cost 22p. That it didn't is neither here nor there, as we say it's 22p anyway, even though it isn't." Miss Nipples then poured ketchup up her pipe, whilst soothing away Nigella In Beans's concerns by playing Salisbury Hill by Peter Gabriel.

Readers' Requests

2008-04-10T03:59:00.000-07:00

"I entertain lurid fantasies about Nigella's father, Nigel," writes avid reader and hell-bound sexual deviant, Swineshead. "Indeed, last night I had to sleep on the sofa when my wife caught me drawing pictures of his fundament covered in all beans, with my meat hammer quivering near the bean entrance. I don't mind though, as I'd happily sleep on the sofa for the rest of my life if it means I get close to the ex-Chancellor's dirty tomato-chute. Have you got any photos of him? Preferably surrounded by young boys and some beans?"

I'm afraid we couldn't find any photos of Lord Lawson surrounded by young boys, Swineshead. However, the extensive Nigella In Beans archive has unearthed this alluring snap - showing Lawson Snr. dabbing his tomato-firkin in a can of Heinz Beans as a harem of attractive ladies shudder at the prospect that their sauce-vents might be next. Enjoy!

Lesbian Foursome

2008-04-10T02:25:00.000-07:00

"I love rubbing my gravy-spattered gully up against Tracey's sauce-rift," purrs Czech beauty Lenka (18), as she explains what's going on in this disgraceful XXX lesbian foursome photo. "Once she's ready to discharge, Samantha takes hold of her bean embankment, and Eunice and I pump tomato sauce up her relish-breach. Shuddering, she explodes in a fountain of true fruit batter. Then we all swab each others' canals in the bath. It's so DIRTY!"

Mel 'Sugartits' Gibson Sugars Nigella's Tits With Racist Beard Batter

2008-03-10T03:39:00.001-07:00

"It's the Jews I can't stomach, sugartits," roared racist Mel Gibson when Nigella In Beans rang him up to ask him about women's body baubles, beans, and cheap flights that turn out to be nothing more than blatantly transparent thieving scams. "I'm not saying they should all be exterminated - I just think they should all be exterminated. Y'dig? Sugartits."

"But what about shoving sixteen cans of beans up Nigella's flappy old tomato spout?" said Nigella In Beans, hoping Mel (who is a racist drunk), wouldn't mention the Jews again.

"Oh I'd love to do that. I'd get my great big racist beard covered in bean juice and smear it under Nigella's blotto grotto. Then I'd flip 'er over and demand she cook me one of those disgusting Heinz Beanz pizzas they brought out a few years back. Fucking 'ell, they were a bad idea, weren't they, sugartits?"

"Would you like to fly to an airport that's allegedly in Barcelona for 22p?"

"On three conditions. One, is it anywhere near Barcelona?"

"If by 'Barcelona' you mean 'Kazhakstan', then yes."

"Is the flight actually 22p?"

"Why yes it is, Mel. 22p ... and then another £180 on top for various taxes and administration costs. Ahem ..."

"And finally, are there any Jews in Spain?"

"Yes there are."

"THEN NO! NO, SUGARTITS!" he drunkenly bellowed before slamming the phone down.

Mel's latest film, 'Watch A Guy Being Flayed Alive By Some Jews' is out to buy on DVD on Tuesday.

Special Interest Advertising

2008-03-07T10:48:00.000-08:00

(Click to engorge)

Elton Smelts Ball-Phlegm Up Old Bean's Abort-Port

2008-03-07T07:46:00.000-08:00

"Now there's one Granny I'd like to take home and investigate," bellowed notoriously litigious woofter pop star Elton John, when Nigella In Beans showed him this DISGUSTING bit of GILF porn from our archives. "First up, I'd dip my bum-wick up to the short 'n' curlies in Granny's sauce-smeared fundament, then I'd ram my Percy Plasma where the sun don't shine - right up her fudge excavation pipe. I can't help m'self, even with an oldie it's up the dross-niche for me ... and to hell with the consequences! Oh yes."

Elton's new record I Love Fucking Cans Of Old Beans is released on Monday.

Chubby Gets The Chubby For Chubby Mudder Budder Bean Buddha

2008-02-11T06:38:00.000-08:00

"Roy will jump up and down on the grave of a black!" roared fat, unpleasant, disgraceful, cancerous, racist, bigoted, xenophobic shithouse Roy Chubby Brown, when we showed him the above image of a naked Nigella caught sunbathing in the Spanish holiday resort of Tenpensalita. Roy, a racist, and personal friend of Nigella In Beans, could barely contain the tumours in his ravaged vocal chords, "That's the bluest image Roy's ever seen in all of Roy's fucking life. Roy would like to take her down to his house and give her a good caking with Roy's special goggle-batter, Roy would, he would, he would. She won't be smiling when Roy's finished nailing his bladder packet up against her fump-face, oh no she fucking won't!"

Sadly, the next harpoon hit Roy in the spine, and he was later hacked up by Japanese fishermen to make food, soap and candles ... sorry, for scientific experiments. Ahem.

Readers' Snaps

2008-02-01T04:53:00.000-08:00

By all that's holy! A reader has sent this saucy photo of a Swedish nudist beach into us here at Nigella In Beans. She writes:

"I love porn and and I love beans, so I decided to take a holiday to the spiritual home of both - Sweden. After spending the night taking it up the bean duct, I went for a walk along the golden sands of the local nudist beach. I was trying desperately hard to recover my balance when I came across this little stunner, isn't she fantastic? It's just a shame I couldn't photograph her on her own ... it was a public beach, and them's the breaks!" - Cindy

Nigella In Beans says: We're not complaining, Cindy! It's easy to ignore whoever that is in the background when you've that vision of lovliness to focus on! Thanks for the snap - a one year's supply of industrial strength tomato sauce is winging its way to you!

Thank Goody For Such A Goody Endorsement ...

2008-01-31T09:25:00.000-08:00

Monstrous, pig-faced imbecile Jade Goody has lent her support to Nigella In Beans. "Me and whatever boyfriend/husband I is on at the moment likes to play wiv our fat flaps and surgical scars as we mutually support one another's bitz over the sidez of the computer screen. My drooping milker takes up one side of the monitor and my husband's/boyfriend's fat mallet takes up the other, yes? The combination of one of my gargo-bags and his spangle-stick makes like a love heart around the screen. Frew that we can make aaaaaaaaht the images of lust on Nigella In Beanses. We stare into each ovverses eyeses until he shuts mine with his ball batter. Once I've cleaned the lenses with a cloth, I sit down and fume about how the wogs are:

Scrounging off of our social security
Taking our jobs
Nicking our wimmin
Worse than the Jews

Ven I make a formal apology to the people of India, even though I don't mean it, like," she tearfully told our useless celebrity reporter as he spoon-fed her dog food.

Batter

2008-01-31T08:24:00.000-08:00

It's Ladies' Day here at Nigella In Beans, and to celebrate, we've coerced Nigella's naughty husband Charles Saatchi to pose for all you meat-hungry girls out there. "When I'm not coming up with adverts for the Tories in the 80s," Charlie tells us, "I like to get out my cucumber and go up behind Nigella with a big pot of beans. I smear them all over her enormous stern, then botter her over the Aga. Nigella doesn't mind - I used to be good friends with her father."

Next week: Celebrate Ladies' Day as we take you on an erotic journey of discovery when the racist European MP Robert Kilroy-Silk experiments with beans, a hosepipe, and his conduit.

A Disgrace!

2008-01-31T08:03:00.000-08:00

This at-first-glance 'erotic' photograph was purported to be of Nigella taking an early morning plunge. However, extensive tests by the Royal Society of Internet Pornographers has discovered it is, in fact, a sleazy, underhanded FAKE. "We get this all the time," said Ben Dover, the Society's president, "If you look closely you can see that the beans aren't the right shade of orange, and the tits clearly belong to Clarissa Dixon-Wright. It's a shame that some people want to fake pictures of Nigella up to her chest dabbers in beans, but there you go. These people are scum and should be hanged."

Nigella In Beans does not condone the faking of Nigella photographs. We reproduce this to give our readers a better understanding of what they are up against when searching for premium-rate, up-the-stomach-pipe images of everyone's favourite fudd mucket, Nigella Lawson. BEWARE!

Covering Your Keyboard In Meat Juice

2008-01-31T07:33:00.000-08:00

Fuck a dog fucking a donkey, will you Adam 'n' Eve the tits on THAT?!? "I'm flabbergasted that the people who run this site aren't locked up for the good of the country," says Nick Griffin, fat racist leader of the British National Party, "Thanks to Nigella In Beans, I'm incapable of getting all furious about the blacks taking all our jobs. When I should be figuring out a way of sending 'em all back where they belong, I'm instead grabbing hold of my two inches worth of bigoted belly-meat, and spizzing away until all boy batter jizzforces its way into my one good working eye. Meanwhile, my other eye (it might be glass but that doesn't stop it being racist glass) swivels uncontrollably at the thought of the MILFerrarri Testerrosa that is Nigella shoving her goose fat smothered MILF-fist up my racist old arse."

We're Back!

2008-01-31T07:28:00.000-08:00

Ho ho! Nigella In Beans is back in business after a bit of recent unpleasantness. Thanks to our two loyal readers for their support - a tin of beans and a pair of tits are winging their way to you now. So, without further ado, ON WITH THE PORNOGRAPHY!

Do You Think I'm Sexy? Yes I Fucking Do!

2007-12-12T06:56:00.000-08:00

Here's Chelsea, 19, from Ipswich. The Suffolk stunner was delighted that Led Zeppelin's reunion concert was a triumph, especially seeing as they were utterly shit the last time they tried playing together (because they were all drug abusers in the 1970s). "Robert Plant is soooooo sexy," she whispered, ejaculating her sausages into the air to a height of eight feet, "Though I imagine, being nearly sixty, his old fella looks like something the cat dragged in."

Disgusting

2007-12-05T08:42:00.000-08:00

Phwooaar! In this genuine photograph*, viewers of a perverted nature will notice Nigella, perhaps her tits, and, as it's Christmas, some spaghetti hoops. "When I'm not stuffing sausages into my mouth and looking at the camera knowing you're thinking what I'm doing looks like something very mucky indeed, I like to branch out and roll around in spaghetti hoops with what are possibly my tits out," purrs Nigella, "And as it's Christmas, I'm going to be slowly introducing celery, Pepperamis, bananas and pickles into my mouth over the next few weeks. I don't need to elaborate to the likes of you what I'm insinuating by doing that, eh readers? Because I mean penises really, allegedly."

*Photograph may not be genuine

Morrissey Jumps Aboard The Nigella In Beans Bus ... The Miserable Fucking Bastard

2007-11-29T09:06:00.000-08:00

Newly racist Morrissey has added his intolerant support to the internet's most fellatiously, felchtastically, fuckumptiously, frotilistic nob/beans/MILF bum-fun site, Nigella In Beans.

Furiously consulting with his lawyers, Morrissey, a racist, thundered down the phone at our head pornographer:

"I love to shove gladioli up my fump-pump whilst my miserable old racist eyes are locked on the target of Nigella's saucy knockers. I blow my misanthropic jism all over the back of the gay lover I categorically do not share my bed with, wipe my gentleman's gentleman on his non-existent face, then fart flowery sex-juice out of my dirt pipe ... the wogs should get back on the fucking boats and go back to Bongo-fucking-Bongoland ... where they belong!"

Morrissey then immediately issued a writ against Nigella In Beans for defamation of character, to which end we wholeheartedly apologise for the above story, which isn't true ... even though it is.

Porno

2007-11-27T06:59:00.000-08:00

(Click image to enlarge, then engorge)

Noel's Trouser House Party Caused By Excessive Flabbing Of His Groin Tuber Thanks To MILF In Beans Internet Disgrace Site

2007-11-25T10:56:00.000-08:00

Noel Edmonds, speaking to reporter Wayne Sledgehammer on Combat 18's entertainment channel OUT!, has lent his slightly mystical support to Nigella In Beans - the most grotesque example of internet pornography ever seen by man.

"Ever since I've been looking at the seedy images on Nigella In Beans, I've wanted to cover my contestants on Deal Or No Deal in tomato sauce and jizz down their backs. I feel utterly ashamed of myself ... even more ashamed than I felt when I invented Mr. Blobby or when I shot that elephant, which is an endangered species any way you slice it. England's full up! We don't need any more of 'em, thanks very much!"

Orgy

2007-11-25T10:41:00.000-08:00

Feast your fucking eyes on this little lot, you spunk-addled, perverted dregs! Cindy (20) thinks that the French president's crackdown on internet piracy is a good thing, "I've got six gallons of tomato sauce leaking out of my flange," she purrs, inserting a baked bean into her bean portal, "And I want YOU to milk that flange with your engorged man-hammer, you perverted bastard." Meanwhile Karen (18) is worried her information might be on the disc that's recently been lost by those incompetent buffoons at the Inland Revenue, "My bean vagina is firing bean darts of tomato sex directly into my oval face," she insinuates, "Push your pant rod deep into my bean casing and I'll fart sauce, lover-boy."

Jim Davidson Jumps Aboard The Nigella Bandwagon

2007-10-30T05:08:00.000-07:00

Racist comedian Jim Davidson has lent his support to Britain's Muckiest Website, Nigella In Beans. Talking at the recent BNP conference in Bolton, Mr. Davidson howled:

"Nick nick! When I'm not having a go at the poofs, I violently pull myself off to the disgusting images I see on Nigella In Beans. When I've splattered my collection of Nazi memorabilia with racist old man-juice, I stare bleakly into the void that is my life and contemplate the worthlessness of my existence. Then I have a go at the coons. Nick nick!"

Oh NO! Missus! NAY! NAY! AND THRICE NAY!

2007-10-30T05:03:00.000-07:00

"We could all do with a little dose of reality," purrs Sarah, 20, from Leeds, "Alright, so Gabby being voted off Strictly Come Dancing was a disgrace, but it's hardly in the same league as the hardships the impoverished people of Zimbabwe face under President Mugabe's singular regime. Scrape my bean flaps."

Beans Don't Give You The AIDS - Official

2007-10-29T12:07:00.000-07:00

A Ugandan scientist was forced to admit he's a lying scoundrel after Nigella In Beans challenged his report that beans give you the AIDS. Dr. Uggnwe Dggggnwe, dressed in a hair-shirt covered in tar and feathers, told our head pornographer:

"I am a lying scoundrel. My report that beans gives you the AIDS was all made up. I didn't want anyone to die of ignorance, see? Only now I realise that my report has made people even more ignoranter than they was before, like. I'm a lying, devious, cheating, shitbagged, scoundrel. I'm sorry about what I done ... Nigella's not going to hit me is she?"

Dr. Dggggnwe was then drenched in seventeen gallons of semen and told to behave himself in future, the lying shit.

I Say!

2007-10-29T11:37:00.000-07:00

"I would agree that something needs to be done to reduce all our carbon footprints," purrs sexy Mary, 19, from Essex, "Mine's a whopping size 16 and has to wear clown shoes. Feel my bean flange."

Comments Now Welcome

2007-10-29T10:25:00.000-07:00

Comments are now welcome on Nigella In Beans. They would have been available earlier if the author had thought to turn 'em on. Thanks, you lousy set of bastards.

Nigella In Beans Gets Bryan Adams Seal Of Approval

2007-10-29T10:15:00.000-07:00

Grizzled Canadian twit Bryan Adams has added his support to Nigella In Beans. In an interview for the National Front's far-right pamphlet Send 'Em Back!, Adams said:

"When my wife Mel C off of The Spice Girls has gone to bed, I take off my trousers and furiously fiddle with myself as I trawl the depraved images available FOR FREE on Nigella In Beans. When I've done my business, I feel utterly ashamed of myself. Send 'em back where they belong!"

Adams joins a long line of celebrities who have endorsed this monstrous filthfest. Two minutes ago Harry H. Corbett rose from his grave and roared:

"NIGELLA IN BEANS MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A VERY, VERY ZZZZZZIRRTY OLD MAN!"

He then disappeared in a puff of dust.

XXX

2007-10-29T09:26:00.000-07:00

Hold onto your underpants, you perverted dregs! Here's guest model Dame Maggie Smith and some beans. Maggie, who's off of that Harry Potter, thinks the current difficulties over the Middle East could be solved if all sides got together and had a bath. "I'm sure they'd soon see that we're all the same underneath," she erotically muttered, fiddling with the hem of her petticoat, "And I like beans," she added.

Dirty

2007-10-29T09:17:00.000-07:00

In this utterly filthy real-life photograph of Nigella coming out of some beans, you can clearly see her knockers. Aren't you bewildered that I'm letting you have such high-grade pornography for nothing? Stay tuned for more dirty images of Nigella and some baked beans.

Filth

2007-10-29T08:05:00.000-07:00

Christ! Here's Mandy, 20, from Bristol. Mandy thinks the controversy over the King of Saudi Arabia's visit to Britain is a storm in a tea-cup. "It's daft, look at my bean-udders." she whispered.

Introduction

2007-10-29T07:10:00.000-07:00

Welcome, you scratters, to ITTODBTBIA's sister porn site - Nigella In Beans. To get the ball rolling, here's a highly charged erotic image of Nigella frolicking in some beans. As you can see, this image is most definitely not safe for work, as are none of the other things on this dirty XXX website. If I were you, I'd go straight back to ITTODBBTIBAIAATBDOORBTBIA right now before your boss catches you looking at pornography, you filthy pervert. Anyway ... enjoy the porn!

Phwooooar! Look at the BBC's Nigella Lawson flopping around in all them beans! Nigella, 80, loves bathing nude in beans, and wants to tell all the readers who haven't already blown their load that she does this sort of thing all the time. That's right!